It has just occurred to me that I come here [to the blog] to probe my wounds and bleed. I guess writing is that for me: a safe space for me to explore and articulate all that goes on in my mind.
I have so much that pains me that I do not express verbally. I am going through a lot right now that no one knows about. I guess I do not talk about it because I am scared of visiting most parts of it… I sometimes feel as though no one will understand or provide some of the solutions that I so desperately need.
Right now I am struggling with the fact that I have to go home next weekend. I have been avoiding home for a while now and my mother wants my son to visit them next weekend. I will not deny her the opportunity to see her grandson.
Going home means being in the same space with my father. For almost four years now, I have hated even the idea of being in the same space with him. I have been so angry at him.
In 2013 I was raped and I was silent about it. When I finally told my father, he said that it was my fault that I had been raped and that they did not know about it. He said I deserved it. He made a stupid statement about girls of other races not being raped because they walk in groups. He basically uttered everything he could think of at that time to pin this gruesome crime on me.
I hated him from that very moment. I was shocked and disappointed. No sympathy whatsoever for me. Months later he repeated his statement, emphasizing that his harsh response was actually not out of anger but he really meant what he said.
One of my close friends who has also been blamed and shamed by family for her rape, came to the conclusion that her mother could not deal with the pain of her daughter being violated in that manner so to cope (or defend herself from the guilt she perhaps felt), she blamed her daughter. I also came across this quote by Najwa Zebian that helped me put things into perspective regarding my father’s response: ” …If they caused you pain, they must have pain inside. Wish them healing. That’s what they need.”
I have come to understand that my father is a broken man. Neither of my parents are emotionally healthy and they are not used to express their feelings in a healthy manner. I assume that him being harsh to me was due to the fact that he could not accept that his daughter was raped.
I have come to understand many other things. I’ve realised how much this anger burdens me. I want to let it go. I want to go home and not be angry anymore. I want to forgive for the sake of my inner peace. For me to forgive, I need to get to a point where my father’s words no longer hurt me. I need to rise above everything he said. I am not a victim of his words or untrue thoughts. I must also heal so much that I no longer hold on so much to the pain of being raped.
Dear reader, how do I do that?